The war on common sense took a dire turn today as musicians from The United States and other countries vowed to induct performers with increasingly retarded monikers into their ranks in response to the Amazon Kindle and similar devices.
Said recording artist Poo Diddle-Diddle, “These devices threaten to resurrect the specter of literacy and with it the demons of intellectual pursuit, imagination, aspirations to live a better life… we thought we’d stamped out these things long ago.” Mr. Diddle-Diddle was unavailable for further comment as a mob of hooting, convulsing fans converged on him, forcing him to communicate from that point on only in grunts and primitive hand gestures.
Added Countess Goo-Goo, “There’s no way to measure just how much damage things like the Kindle 2 can do. The industry made a huge investment in making literacy and critical thinking into things that kids would be embarrassed to engage in, and now Amazon has gone and made the reading experience into a gadget. Now think back to the Walkman – that was the gadget that made portable music the force it is today. Everything, our whole campaign since then, it stems from right there with the Walkman. Ignoring the parents didn’t really become effective or stylish until you could do it by blasting deafening thrash rock directly into your ears.
Now books are coming back because of this Kindle 2 e-book reader. Kids are wanting these things because our industry designed their parents’ behaviors when they were kids. The publishing industry is really taking a page from our book here.”
Added her non-committed-financially-contingent-life-partner Baron Gitchy-Gitchy, “Yo yo yo.”
The recording industry’s answer to the threat posed by a resurgence of literacy and literate Americans is simple: “We’re going to have to take emergency measures, obviously,” said 153 year old sex symbol Magdalena between injections of steroids. “Obviously, the most idiotic stage names we can possibly come up with are the first order of the day. If we can get America’s youth to regress to baby talk, that’s half the battle.”
In related industry news, Magdalena and fellow Mummy-American recording artist Char have been found by scientists to be entirely redundant and have therefore agreed to merge into a single, horrifying being.